Black Friday Time Paradox Swallows Unsuspecting Consumers
Posted on 11/25/2014 by Chops
The sadly hilarious tradition of Black Friday has finally created its own consumer paradox.
Black Friday, America's big post-Thanksgiving shopping day, has quickly devolved over the years from a few good holiday deals to an all-out street brawl of rampant consumerism. Shoppers froth at the mouth to spend their hard-earned money on crap they don't need, during a small window of time when it's dirt cheap, but only for a few lucky people who brave the cold to wait in line, sometimes for days. They fight each other, often violently, over cheaply made pieces of soon-to-be obsolete technology.
It's that magical time of year when ''time equals money'' simply does not apply.
This is, of course, good for business. Stores have sought to capitalize on the tradition by extending hours and abusing workers. What started out as regular opening hours changed to early morning hours. Then midnight. Then Thanksgiving evening. Then all Thanksgiving day. Then the entire Thanksgiving week. Black Friday became Black Week. Then Black Month. Then Black Winter.
And then it happened. Black Friday stretched all the way back to the previous Black Friday, at which point consumers could actually purchase Black Friday deals for next year's Black Friday. The quirky tradition had created an apocalyptic time paradox.
The chaos was immeasurable. Best Buy stores imploded. Whole malls were sucked into time warps. A small black hole opened up over Amazon headquarters in Seattle, destroying a quarter of the city.
''I have no idea what the hell is going on here,'' says celebrated theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. ''I cannot believe that human stupidity was potent enough to create a black hole here on Earth.''
Consumers, on the other hand, seem unfazed.
''I have my eye on that Holographic Neuron Projector from Black Friday 2089,'' says one excited customer. ''It retails for $4 million, but I can get it here in 2014 for 30 bucks. I have no clue what it does, but it's too good a deal to pass up.''
Scientists have universally sounded the Black Friday alarm, noting that rampant human consumerism is killing the planet. Many think that the Amazon black hole will grow large enough to destroy the entire solar system. That is, unless, we can reign in needless spending.
''I don't believe in man-made Amazon black hole time paradoxes,'' says one cross-eyed consumer holding a Nuke-Me Elmo doll from the future. ''It's just a hoax created by scientists to get more grant money.''
Will the Amazon black hole kill us all and render our solar system a lifeless void?
''It all depends on a collective waking up of the American consumer public,'' notes political economist Robert Reich. ''So, yeah, probably.''