Infamous War on Christmas Replaced by Self-Awareness
Posted on 11/20/2014 by Chops
The holiday season is here again, which of course means that Bill O'Reilly and his merry band of Fox News crusaders are dawning their holy hand grenades to fight the War on Christmas... again.
There's only one problem: most people really don't give a shit. They don't care whether you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. They don't care whether you celebrate the birth of Jesus or the miraculous purple furring of Finn the Destroyer of Worlds. And those who do care tend to be the fringe wackos that ruin the holidays for everyone else.
Everyone has that crazy uncle who thinks there is a War on Christmas, that aliens landed in Roswell, and there was a second gunman on the grassy knoll.
But luckily for our secular society, we have Dr. Hugo Facepalm, a.k.a. the Bullshit Cutter of Antwerp. He has revolutionized the field of Translative Speaking. Through a combination of cognitive therapies, he has taught brash Christians to speak using a perceptively aware structure.
''The process is conceptually simple,'' says Dr. Facepalm. ''We teach our subjects how to speak in the manner by which they are perceived. Take the supposed War on Christmas for instance. Instead of following a wild accusation with the conclusion that 'there is a War on Christmas', we teach subjects to use perceptively correct replacements, like 'the world is sick of my shit'.''
Dr. Facepalm gave us a tour his psychiatric ward, which was full of ultra-conservative Christians seeking treatment. Many were yelping from their rooms.
''They put up a 'Holiday Tree' in the town square! The world is sick of my shit!''
''Atheists are posting billboards that mock my faith! The world is sick of my shit!''
''Companies are refusing to use the term 'Christmas'! The world is sick of my shit!''
''Christians have enjoyed free social passes for a very long time, especially in the United States,'' notes Dr. Facepalm. ''It's important they realize that their faith, while free to practice, is also a free subject of ridicule, just like every other religion. Unfortunately, many coddled Christians today feel they are being persecuted, when in reality, the silenced minorities have simply had enough of their shit.''
Translative Speaking has taken the psychiatric world by storm. Dr. Facepalm has successfully applied the practice to an array of socially and mentally deficient candidates.
''Creationists have always been my bread and butter,'' notes Dr. Facepalm. ''I also treat 9/11 conspiracy theorists, Climate Change deniers, Sarah Palin, basically any outspoken twit with an I.Q. lower than their waist size.''