Mormon Church Founder Joseph Smith Confirmed as Cylon
Posted on 11/14/2014 by Chops
Yes, the rumors are true. Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism, has been confirmed to be a Cylon.
The Mormon Church, also known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is a hilarious religion known for magic underwear, complete avoidance of anything fun, and the mythical planet Kolob. Its founder, Joseph ''Undiagnosed Mental Condition'' Smith, claimed that he found golden plates, could only translate them via seeing stones in a hat, and, well, a lot of other chuckle-worthy asinine shit.
It was also recently revealed that Smith had over 40 wives. This sent shock waves through the faithful, which is kind of silly considering the treasure trove of mock-worthy material in the Book of Mormon. Nevermind kooky notions like dinosaur bones originated on other planets. Nope, it was the polygamist nature of their batshit crazy founder.
However, the biggest shock wave has recently been confirmed: Joseph Smith was in fact a Cylon.
Cylons are a cybernetic civilization that were once at war with the Twelve Colonies of humanity. The few surviving humans were protected by the Battlestar Galactica. A popular documentary series of the same name ran between 2003 and 2009, which was based on a previous 1978 documentary.
Advanced Cylon models looked and functioned like humans. 12 models were initially known to science, until the 13th showed up in the early 1800s as Joseph Smith.
It remains unclear what exactly the Cylons want with modern humanity. Utilizing a model like Joseph Smith has created more questions than answers. Many theories have been debated.
One popular theory asserts that Cylons wanted to enslave humanity under the umbrella of religion, a historically proven method of mass control and extortion. Although, creating something as comically absurd as Mormonism tends to debunk this strategy.
The prevailing theory is that the Cylons are very sorry for trying to eradicate humans and have sought to make amends through the universal embrace of laughter.
After all, Mormonism is some seriously funny shit.
Therefore, we must collectively offer up mad props to the Cylons. Well played toasters, well played. Maybe there is hope for peace. Dibs on Caprica 6.