Former President George W. Bush Introduces World to Fruit
Posted on 11/4/2014 by Chops
George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States of America, has discovered fruit.
He invited a slew of reporters to his Prairie Chapel Ranch in Crawford, Texas to "discuss a matter of grave importance to humanity, heh heh."
Reporters gathered in anticipation in a makeshift garden outside of the former President's home. Multiple tables were set up with covered baskets containing what Bush had dubbed "perhaps the most awesome discovery in the history of discovered discoveries".
At one end of the garden was a stage covered surrounded by bamboo and palm trees. Bush took the stage after a long and tedious introduction. He revealed a pile of fruit, then pointed at said fruit for several minutes while grinning at reporters like a giddy preteen.
"Go ahead," he instructed. "Open your baskets of wonder and join me in this adventure!"
Reporters gave each other dumbfounded looks and cautiously removed their basket covers, unveiling an array of colorful fruits.
"This one is a pineapple, heh heh," the former President exclaimed with boyish excitement. "You see, when a pine tree and an apple tree love each other very much, a pine cone gets thrown at a squirrel or something and you get a pineapple. It's delicious."
Reporters gave a handful of courteous chuckles before cautiously backing out of the garden.
"Now wait a minute!" Bush yelled at fleeing reporters. "You haven't seen the grapefruit yet! This little bugger is sour as hell! It ain't no grape neither!"
Reporters commiserated after putting as much distance between them and Crawford, Texas as they possibly could.
"Hands down one of the creepiest and most surreal experiences of my life," noted an obviously shaken Anderson Cooper.
"I thought it was fantastic," said a blank-faced Sean Hannity while munching on a pine cone. "I learned something about traditional conservative heterosexual tree sex. It was a good day."
We followed up with the former President Bush about a possible Veggie Symposium. He responded candidly with "Carrots look like orange penises, heh heh."