Brad Pitt Joins Fight Against ISIS With F-22 Aldo Raine
Posted on 11/3/2014 by Chops
The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has a new enemy to fear: Brad motherfuckin' Pitt.
Pitt teamed up with the US Air Force to develop a customized version of the F-22 Raptor fighter jet to be flown exclusively by Pitt into ISIS territory.
The jet is nicknamed the ''Aldo Raine'' after Pitt's badass character in Inglorious Basterds. While its advanced weaponry is still top secret, we speculate that it packs an impressive arsenal that includes a supersonic wit emitter and wings lined with head-scalping tomahawks.
''Every mission I run carries a debit,'' Pitt says with a sly grin. ''I must return with at least 100 ISIS scalps. And I WANT my scalps.''
Pitt's enthusiasm for the mission cannot be contained. When the fighter jet was unveiled, he lined all reporters up side by side and gave them a stern monologue.
''And once I'm in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla pilot, I'm gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' ISIS,'' Pitt asserted in an endearing Southern mountain man accent. ''They're the foot soldiers of a woman-hatin', mass murderin' ideology and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch I find flying an ISIS flag, they're gonna die.''
Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel praised Pitt's commitment by saying ''I wasn't aware this jet even existed. Who the hell gave Brad Pitt security clearance?!''
Clearly the US Military is denying involvement to protect Pitt's top secret and utterly awesome mission.