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Ebola Mutates With Swine Flu, Bird Flu, and Herpes, Panic Ensues
Posted on 10/28/2014 by Chops
Super Duper Mega Ebola (SDME), a terrifying mutation of Ebola, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, and Herpes.

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Ebola hysteria in the United States has reached a fever pitch with three confirmed cases. Yes, three. Only three. This is an alarming 300% increase from the first case a month ago.

To put it another way: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

To fully understand this assertion and apply the appropriate level of panic, we must first completely ignore some crucial facts.

First, over 40,000 Americans die of the flu each year.

Second, over 800,000 Americans die of cardiovascular disease each year.

But screw common ailments and preventable health risks that pose about a million times more threat to the average American. Let's focus on the Ebola crisis and scare the shit out of everyone we possibly can. Only then can we shed light on the real threat: Super Duper Mega Ebola.

AAAAAAAHHH!!! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!! BOOGIDY BOOGIDY BOO!!!

Super Duper Mega Ebola, or SDME, is a terrifying mutation of Ebola, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, and Herpes.

SDME was first contracted by a crack whore in Detroit who experienced an array of symptoms that included atomic diarrhea, thunderous vomiting, general stickiness, and vivid hallucinations of Elvis in a tutu. Her death was initially ruled as an overdose, but retired hospital janitor Hank Pearlman confirmed that it was indeed SDME.

''I just looked at her and I knew it was the Mega Ebola,'' Mr. Pearlman asserted.

Brainless idiots agreed, which is why Detroit is now under an indefinite city-wide quarantine. It is unclear how long the quarantine will last because the gestation period SDME is still unknown.

We contacted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) for comment, who vehemently denied the existence of SDME. In fact, we were directly accused of irresponsible fear mongering, which we can only assume is an attempt by the CDC to cover up the horrific realities of SDME.

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Ebola Mutates With Swine Flu, Bird Flu, and Herpes, Panic Ensues
Posted by Chops on 5/1/2014
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