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Sunday, April 30, 2017
Revolutionary New Samsung Mobile Phone Doubles as Ninja Weapon
Posted on 10/3/2014 by Chops
A happy customer showing off his new Samsung Street Ninja.

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Popular mobile phone maker Samsung has taken the phone growth craze to a disturbingly cool level. Their new mobile device, the Samsung Street Ninja, doubles as an assault weapon.

We reached out to Samsung Group CEO Boo-Keun Yoon, who took time out of his technological world domination to explain the new design.

"We noticed that cell phones were becoming bigger and bigger to accommodate screen demands," he noted. "We decided to take it to the next level and make it combat-capable. What's the use of carrying around something big and cumbersome if you can't hit people with it?"

The public agreed, which is why the Samsung Street Ninja is flying off the store shelves.

"I've beaten two people with it this week," exclaimed one scary looking customer. "It saves a lot of time and energy. I can chat up my lady and bust up haters all at the same time. This device is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

The Samsung Street Ninja retails at a modest $499 and features a shitty camera plus 2 bytes of storage space. It is encased in a black titanium shell with sturdy black plastic. Standard length is 14 inches, but customers can shell out an extra $200 for the elongated 22 inch "Billy Club" edition. Memory upgrades, other colors, and cheaply made accessories are available at unreasonable prices.

One wildly popular accessory is a $349 super high-tech connection chain that turns two Samsung Street Ninjas into a pair of mobile nunchuks.

The classic Samsung Street Ninja was released last week. The highly anticipated Version 2 is set to be released next week, will feature an exciting new fart simulation button, and will retail at $899. Version 3 will come out the next day and retail for $1299. From there, a new version is expected to be released every hour until all gullible consumers are dead broke with maxed out credit.

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Revolutionary New Samsung Mobile Phone Doubles as Ninja Weapon
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