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Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Couple Harvested, Families Devastated
Posted by Chops
Hay enthusiasts Steve Watson and Emily Peterson were harvested by a rogue anti-gay hay baler.

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In a tragic farming accident that can only be described as, well, tragic, a couple hiking in an Iowa hay field were harvested by a rogue hay baler.

It is unclear what the motive was for the attack, but we can speculate that the couple was pro-gay rights and wearing gay pride t-shirts. Hay balers, as we all know, are venomously anti-gay and are often seen picketing the funerals of those they see as pushing a godless agenda.

The hay baler in question is still on the loose and residents of Des Moines and surrounding counties are being urged to stay indoors until the fugitive equipment is caught. Hay balers are masters of disguise, so it is advised not open your doors to any tractors, harvesters, or tillers.

Our team of investigative reporters discovered that the hay baler, commonly known as Fred, has a well documented history of hate propaganda and violence against family equipment. He served two terms of barn lockup and was known to spray oil on maintenance workers.

Local police have refused to comment at this time.

The family of the victims have released a public statement demanding action against similar threats. Letters have been send to state representatives and local farming organizations. It is unclear whether or not the district courts will enact new legislation on the matter.

The hikers, Steve Watson and Emily Peterson, were avid hay enthusiasts and would travel the world visiting iconic hay fields. They are survived by two adorable goldfish, who will most likely be put into protective custody.

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