Facebook  |  Twitter
ZachryWheeler.com  |  BrewChief.com  |  HerringtonPost.com
Fairly Imbalanced News
Friday, December 14, 2018
Cell Phone Use Causing People to Glow John Boehner Orange
Posted by Chops
An angry Boehner'd cell phone user, most likely yelling at his tattoo parlor for sub-par work.

You might also like:
Cell phone use has been linked to an skin pigmentation disorder that turns the user bright orange.

The skin condition is commonly referred to as being ''Boehner'd'' after Ohio State Representative John Boehner, the 61st and current Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. The often weepy Republican is well known for his apricot-like skin hue, although it is unclear whether this is due to his own rampant cell phone usage.

It has long been debated that extended cell phone use gives people cancer. While long since debunked and completely unrelated, it hasn't prevented people from regurgitating the theory.

''See?! I knew those devil gadgets give you cancer!'' said one woman in a stylish tinfoil hat. When confronted with the facts, the woman blamed Obama.

However, not everyone is seeing the condition in a negative manner. Ravers have been seen taping cell phones to their heads in an effort to accelerate the process. Apparently the warm orange glow is a highly sought after commodity on dance floors.

New Jersey housewives and bodybuilders are also embracing the trend, much to the chagrin of spray tan companies.

''New Jersey represents 96% of our market,'' said one representative. ''It's a concerning trend. Why can't they just fry their epidermis in tanning booths like normal people?''

It remains to be seen whether the condition is permanent, which is confusing racists.

''We just don't know if we hate them yet,'' said a baffled KKK member. ''I guess we do. Maybe we don't. What about the ones that were previously white? We can't really hold that against them, can we? I mean, they technically can't embrace white power if they're not white. That's just math.''

The interview was cut short after the Klan member's brain tried to escape through his left nostril.

Share This Page: Cell Phone Use Causing People to Glow John Boehner Orange
About  |  Terms  |  Privacy  |  Contact  |  Login
© Copyright 2014-2018  |  The Herrington Post  |  All Rights Reserved